I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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