u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
