I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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