the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize