saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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