There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
And then he peed in my hair
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