I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
