the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Randomize
