I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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