I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
