carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
