Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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