guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
