Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
