All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
