I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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