I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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