Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
