So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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