Cold hands, warm shart.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
