The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
