I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
