Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
