I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
