im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
