I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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