the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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