I wish I could teleport
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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