i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
