Your mouth is God's brothel.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
