believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
