I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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