Already got asked if we're dating
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
