I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
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