He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
and she was petting her beer can
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
