i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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