um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
