I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Randomize
