I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
