Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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