my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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