my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
