Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
