I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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