sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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