My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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