well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize