Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
