Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
