Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
