Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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