What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
