To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
