She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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