I looked at my own cervix.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
