i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
