my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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