Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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