I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
