when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
