awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
