ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
