I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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