worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
