I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
