everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
